The Big City

Discovering you're a country hick is never fun.

Arriving in Kuala Lumpur on Friday, my first thought was, gosh, look at that - they've got trains. Then I mentally smacked myself, and boarded the express train to the centre of town, where I gaped at the existence of internet-connected tourist information booths. A taxi drove me through buildings taller than three storeys, and past beautiful old mosques. And I stared.

My first action at the hotel was to ask where the mall was, having some shopping that needed to be done (apparently in Kota Kinabalu, file dividers simply do not exist, and shop assistants repeat my words like I'm a crazy person. "File divisions?" "No, dividers." "Divisiers? You mean a document folder?" "No, I mean a divider, and if I meant a folder, I would have picked up one of those pretty folders on prominent display behind you.") The man at the desk suggested 6 malls, all within walking distance, and offered to call a taxi to take me to several more. I blushed and walked across the road to the Pavilion, Asia's Premier Luxury Mall, and owner of the Tallest Liuli Crystal Fountain in Malaysia, as endorsed by the Malaysia Guinness Book of Records. Truly. I'm not about to admit that I don't know what a Liuli Crystal Fountain is, because the look on my face already marks me as the hick I am.

The mall is about 50 floors high and probably covers more floorspace than the whole of Kota Kinabalu, and it has a Japan Street, which has a two-floor shop devoted to plastic cameras, and authentic Japanese street food stalls. There are two art galleries, and one hundred and seven restaurants and cafes. Four of those are Starbucks. Actually, I think it might have been three, but I got lost and passed one of them twice. There are two car dealerships - Bentley and Jaguar.

I'm overwhelmed, and not least because I've just seen two women dressed in black sacks with a mesh covering their eyes buying sexy lingerie. 

I get lost.

Then I find the Nando's in the basement, and everything becomes alright again - and it's even okay that the waiters say "Yebo!" with a thick Malaysian accent, because Oliver Mtukudzi is playing on the stereo, and the vegetarian burger tastes of home...